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Sensual Superfoods and Aphrodisiac Practices for Ultimate Sexual Health
Posted:Feb 17, 2018 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2018 7:10 am
The female body has long been a mystery , not just to me , but to everyone throughout the ages . I believe it was Socrates who said "Man I don't even know what's going on with all . . . . that stuff . . . . down there ." Even most women have no clue what their bodies are doing at any particular time . But thankfully there's a book that explains it all .

It's all right there on the cover actually , which is nice because reading (and writing) as we've established is for nerds .

Grapefruits are like breasts . This seems to check out . Do you suck on a grapefruit ? No , that would be awful . By the same token women don't like it when you suck on their tits . Do you pinch and or twist the grapefruit stem ? No , of course not , what would be the point ? Analogously women don't like it when you manipulate their nipples . Do you knead a grapefruit like a little baby kitten ? No way . I think I've made my point .

When found , the grapefruit was named the "forbidden fruit" - you know what I'm saying ?

A good grapefruit feels firm all the way around . A good grapefruit should be slightly oval in shape , not perfectly round . You should avoid grapefruits that are lumpy or oddly shaped . A good grapefruit should feel plump and heavy , as if it's about to burst with sweet juice . A good grapefruit should have nice smooth skin .

I mean it's uncanny right ?

And of course the main thing boobs and grapefruits have in common is that they are neither grapes nor fruits .

So next we have the strawberry/vagina .

The most obviously similarity is the leaves to the little strip of pubic hair you find at the top of many vaginas . It's not really a big deal but it's there . Would it be better if it wasn't there ? Some people would say so but you mostly just ignore it - except when it pokes you in the eye . Point is you don't eat it .

Generally speaking the juicier the strawberry the better BUT there is such a thing as too much juice . It's rare . But it happens . But it's rare .

Fresh strawberries are much better than frozen .

And they are both alike in that neither is , from a botanical point of view , a berry .

In other news a while ago they came out with Blowpaste - which is supposed to be an oral sex lube that cleans your teeth while you lick the strawberry . Since when it oral sex something for which you use a lubricant ? I've certainly never heard of that . Why would you need such a thing ?

If your mouth is SO dry all the time that you need lube to perform oral sex I think you have other issues you need to be addressing .

I think their motto 'A blowjob a day keeps the dentist away' reveals their true goal though - this is all just way to try and get people to brush their teeth more regularly . I mean if you had your choice would you suck a dick or brush your teeth ?

I rest my case .
If this sex cult is a-rocking , leave package by door
Posted:Feb 16, 2018 6:46 pm
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2018 7:09 am
First things first , I managed to squander my way back up to 100 watchers again somehow . It's a celebration mother fuckers !

An alternate name for this blog I've long held in reserve is "Keeping it 100" which as we all know because we're so hip and young and plugged into the "ene" means ;

To keep yourself real and true, to be hst and stick to the way you are, no matter what any else thinks.

To tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

To be hst with yourself as well as others.

Because there's nothing people like better than when you brag about how you keep things "real" . Usually while catfishing lady tennis ers .

Second things second . Just moments ago I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth .

How you ask ? Well it's quite a boring story really . You see I had a stomach bug a while back and even though I know the concept of drinking Spite or Up or whatnot when you have a GI issue is complete nonsense I still went ahead and got myself a 2 liter of Sprite Zero so I could pretend it was healthier . I liked it so I picked up another 2 liter this week and as I was pouring myself a glass something caught my eye - a packet of free strawberry lemon drink mix . Did I dare ? I did . And it is glorious .

This is what it is now .

This is it .

You animals do whatever you want to this planet and each other and all the Gods in the heavens and the turtles in the seas . I am made whole in the house of my enemies .

Me and the Strawberry Lemonade Sprite Zero are riding this sumnabitch out to the end together and ya'll can go rew .

The book I'm reading mentid offhandedly that relaxation increases arousal like it was a known an accepted fact . Which startled me for a moment . When I stop and think about it makes sense . Whenever a lady has been grinding her snizz all up on me and I wasn't in the mood it was usually because I was stressed out .

But it seems counterintuitive because people often talk about sex as a way to relieve stress . Like whenever some is all wound up their peers will remark "Man , Jimmy needs to get laid" . What's really surprising to me is how often women say it about other women . I've heard these words several times "That bitch needs a good assfucking" . Point is that people often look at sex as a way to blow off steam but it seems like if you're all steamclogged you shouldn't be in the mood for sexaction .

The point is that dudes who are just out to get laid often employ high pressure tactics - they get all up in a woman's grill like a used Honda salesman who needs to off the Dixie Mafia for the cash he lost on the Sawanee Mountain Catfight Tournament . But if relaxation is what gets people in the mood that's clearly a bad strategy .

Obviously if you're a dude out to get laid (and if you're reading this chances are that you're not) what you need to do instead is to chill things out .

Maybe that's why SOME people claim that smoking a bowl makes sex more enjoyable - it's not that weed has magic sex powers in and of itself , it's just a reliable method of relaxation .

Speaking of dudes just out to get laid the other day I was talking about prostitution , as I often do , and I expressed my opinion that even if it was legal I wouldn't partake - not because of moral reasons but because of cost reasons . 100 bucks for a flop and slop ? No way . Way too expensive for something as trivial as sex . I mean that's cordless immersion blender .

The fellow to whom I made this remark sneered derisively and said that in this opinion I would bang whores all the time because "when you take a girl out to dinner you drop a hundred bucks" .

And I says to him I says "Yeah , but I'm not doing that to get sex . I'm doing that because I want to eat food and I will enjoy the company of the person I'm doing it with . It's not like I feel it was a waste of time if we don't fuck afterwards ."

And the look of pure disgust he gave me was sublimely horrible . I often make the claim that men aren't really the poonhouds they're often made out to be and that a lot of that kind of behavior is just -acting . But this guy clearly was a dyed in the wool pussywrangler . He's just trying to get it wet , end of story .

So I learned something . There are people like that out there . Which I suppose I should have known . But you know me , I'm an optimist .

time there was this movie ed Hancock . It wasn't very good but it wasn't horrible either . It was a good idea executed poorly .

Quick sidenote on Hancock , many people remember it as being a flop after a Will Smith's career was an unbridled success and signaled a downturn but Hancock made over 400 million so I don't think you can say it was a flop . Men in Black 3 also made hundreds of millions . It wasn't until After Earth that things took a real nosedive for Mr. Smith .

Anyway in the movie Hancock the titular (hehe) Hancock agrees to go to prison as a publish relations stunt - the premise is that he's a superhero but no really likes him . So he's in prison and some of the inmates who he's put away start harassing him and he says if they don't leave him al "I'm going to put your head up his ass" . They don't lay off so he does just that - shoves guy A's head up guy B's ass .

I don't like this ene . For a couple reasons .

First of all it's ed for laughs in a movie that isn't really the correct t for that sort of thing . Plus it's not funny regardless .

Secondly , the dudes threatening Hancock aren't actually capable of hurting him . The whole point of him going to prison was to show people that he didn't think he was better than them . And yet he does this basiy for no reason . It would be analogous to me saying to the UFS heavyw champion "I'm going to tickle you" and them ping my spine .

Thirdly and most importantly there's no way that would work . Instead you're just murdering guy . And not because as person said to me "He'd suffocate in these" . NO ! The other guy damn it ! You cannot physiy fit a head up an ass . The best you could do is literally rip the guy in half the shove the head in the gory blood-hole in the dead that used to be an ass on a living dude . But that doesn't count .

The suffocation guy upon hearing me say this commented that you COULD shove a head up and ass because the head is the same size as a baby and women push out babies all the time .

So I says to him I says "Do you not know the difference between an asshole and a vagina ? Are you suggesting that some should shit out a baby ?"

Things went downhill from there . And that's why I almost titled this post "ientists now say that pussies and assholes are not the same thing !"

But I didn't .
Warning - sincere post
Posted:Feb 16, 2018 6:03 pm
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2018 7:09 am

Whoo boy, that was awkward read this blog post by my good friend and spiritual advisor SAW , or don't if you don't want to .

The point is in the comments she says the following (in part) ;

"I don't seem to feel a strong attraction to men anymore. You know, the kind of feelings where you're thinking/fantasizing about him all the time, and any time you send a or email you're in agony until he replies."

Being self centered upon reading this I thought to myself "I've never felt that way" . Not even close . I've never felt anything other than apprehension and a sick feeling of lessness when I was in a relationship . No matter how much I liked the lady I was dating there were days when I dreaded picking up the ph (I'm old you see , back in those days people ed each other) because it might be her and I didn't want to have the stress of that interaction . Not all the time , or even most of the time , but a significant minority of time I would live in dread about my girlfriend contacting me .

The first thing I wonder is maybe only women feel like what SAW deribes, which is possibly sexist .

The second thing I wonder is if maybe I never really gave any of these relationships a chance . Maybe I could have felt that way .

The third thing I wonder is if there's something really wrong with me . No , ratch that , not wrong , just different . I have a hard time imagining feeling that way about some . And maybe that's just how I am . And maybe that's okay .

I'm sure some people would be like "you're missing out on so much" any maybe I am , but that's just life you know ? I'll never connect with music the way some people will . And to them that might consider that a great tragedy because to them music is so important . But really it's just a difference like any other right ?

Some people feel certain ways about certain things . Does that mean anything is "missing" from their lives ? Should they go to therapy to try and be different ?

There's an interesting double standard about self-acceptance . Every seems to encourage it , yet when you accept yourself and yourself isn't so much like every else then it's not okay .

It's a bit odd .

The end
Let's make sloppy Martian love in the back of my dune buggy
Posted:Feb 13, 2018 5:37 pm
Last Updated:Feb 16, 2018 5:51 pm
I've long wondered if there's really that much more sex on Valentine's Day than any other day . The first factor is that despite massive marketing efforts Valentine's Day isn't celebrated so much outside of the honkey countries - Canada , US , UK , Australia , Zealand , etc. So right off the bat there's going to be a limited impact . Combined that's not even 10% of the world population . And then you have to cut that in half again to account for kids and old people and castrati and nuns and whatnot . So I best we're talking about a 5% increase - and a lot of those people are probably single anyway , or too married to care about sex anymore .

And I bet what really makes the difference is what day Valentine's falls on . Like a Friday Valentine's Day ? Probably the nasty index goes up . A Wednesday , or "hump" day" , Valentine's ? Probably not so much . A Monday Valentine's Day ? forget about it .

Compare that with Sex Day in Brazil when the shagging market goes up at least 40% . Which is a joke of course because every day is sex day in Brazil .

What I'm saying is investing in sex futures before VD seems like a surefire winner but it's more complicated than that .

So now I going to figure out if there's a measurable increase in masturbation on Valentine's Day and if there's an increase in soliciting prostitutes .

Speaking of , it's a lot harder than you think to find a hooker who's willing to dress up like a mummy . And trust me if you feel like you're getting bad customer service do NOT ask to speak to her manager . Who knew pimps were so rude ?

I saw a lady taking a selfie at her desk today and I smacked the phone out of her hand and scolded her for being unprofessional and to her credit she didn't back down (not like that coward Danielle) and said "You hate bathrooms selfies and car selfies where am I supposed to take a fucking selfie your majesty ?" Which is a good point I suppose . I mean the obvious answer is don't take a selfie but clearly that's like my grandma saying "Just don't use the internet" at this point . So I would say take a selfie where there's something worth seeing . Everyone's sick of your dumb ass , but if you're in the Mount Emei Scenic Area that's a good time for a selfie . I mean it would be better if you just took a picture without yourself in it , but see above .

I played Axis and Allies once on Valentine's Day . That about says it all .
Three hardest things in life
Posted:Feb 12, 2018 6:14 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2018 5:13 pm
Are steel , diamond , and knowing yourself . Foghorn Leghorn said that . Pretty sure .

The fourth hardest thing ? MY DICK !!!!

See that's funny because my dick is actually floppy and unsatisfying .

I've always found the expression "Cutting off your nose to spite your face confusing ." Because cutting off your nose would be a great way to spite your face . Can you image how your face would feel if it didn't have a nose ? Take that face ! The expression should be "Don't spite your face when you what you want is to kick someone else in the ding-dong" . Expressions are dumb .

The origin of the expression is , as per usual , absolutely horrifying . Back in the days when Vikings were the worst thing going Saint Ebba heard they were coming her way . So she gathered her nuns together and urged them to disfigure themselves , so that they might be unappealing to the Vikings - you know , for the banned R word . Which they did by cutting off their noses and upper lips . It was a mixed success at best because the Vikings were grossed out and didn't assault their virtue but they did burn them alive . Vikings were real assholes .

Think about that next time you're at US Bank Stadium watching your beloved "Vikes" .

Remember when the Black Keys were a thing ? I do . What happened there ? It's tempting to say that mass media appeal ruined them but that seems like something a music snob would say and I'm no music snob .

The Big Come Up · Fantastic
Thickfreakness · Great
Rubber Factory · Super dope
Magic Potion · Regular dope
Attack & Release · Medium dope
Brothers · Awesome
El Camino · Weak
Turn Blue - Pukatronic

I guess that is a lot of albums . I mean how many artists release at least 6 albums that you'll listen to all the way through and love ? Not many . I guess I should cut them a break .

Anyway back to the Foghorn Leghorn thing who are you ? Do you know ? I watched the first episode of Counterpart and the bald dude from SVU (not the main bald dude the other one , or was he on regular Law and Order ? ) was hanging out with "himself" from an alternate universe and I thought how awful that would be . Having to look at my own stupid face would be a pretty effective method of torture for me . I would hate that worse than 'Weight of Love" and that's a lot .

But that's just physical appearance . I suspect I wouldn't like being confronted with the reality of who I am either .

But I should count my blessings . I may be a fuggo with a horrible personality and a floppy unsatisfying dick who can't do a single push-up and can't make small talk to save my life . BUT on the other hand I have it pretty good . I don't have any health problems (yet) I have a good job (that I hate) and I'm free to do whatever I want (nothing) . Much like Joe Walsh life's been good to me so far .

I bet I could kick Joe Walsh's ass . So I got that going for me too .
90 Minutes
Posted:Feb 11, 2018 8:55 am
Last Updated:Feb 14, 2018 4:40 pm

If you could , through 4th dimensional shenanigans or whatnot , have 90 extra minutes in your day would you do it knowing that the side effect would be that you would be aging 6% faster relative to everyone else ?

Doesn't seem like a great deal but I think about waking up every workday at 5:30 AM and I doubt I'd be able to resist another 90 minutes of sleep . Which Is extra lame because then I'm just sleeping my 6% less life away .

Plus time is neither an event nor a thing and thus is not itself measurable nor can it be travelled . So that complicates things .

All I know for sure is that everyone wants more time . But it's too late , always has been , always will be . Too late .
Weight loss through demonic possession
Posted:Feb 10, 2018 12:57 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2018 1:45 pm
It's been a while so I was due for this , but I had this blog post about done and then the site crashed and I lost it all so I'm writing it again . Which always seems like a MASSIVE waste of time . My blogs are barely worth writing once you know ? So now I'll write my blogs in Word first for a few months but then eventually I'll get lazy and stop doing that until it happens again and I literally go insane with rage . Literally .

Did you know what most fanfiction is written by women ? I didn't . I kinda of don't believe it because to me writing fanfic is something dorks do and don't think of women as being dorks . Is that a form of sexism ?

Fanfiction started being a big thing in the 70's with Star Trek or course but also with the Man from UNCLE . Never would have guessed that .

Speaking of sexism when I was in (the name escaping me now of the classes you have to take to be confirmed) I asked the youth pastor why it seems like demons only ever posses women and he said that it's because women are weak-willed and easy for demons to take over and I said that sounded pretty sexist and he shrugged and said "Religion , what can you do ?"

Many years later at my sister's wedding I asked the priest there and same question and he said that it's because demons are mostly male and therefore it's more appealing for them to enter into a woman . And said that that sounded like a strange backhand indictment of homosexuality and that demons as I understand them exist only as spirits without physical form so it really wouldn't make sense to ascribe a gender to them . He rolled his eyes and walked off to get some cake .

Back in the early 2000s when my friend Dave had first become a priest I used to go on exorcisms with him to help out . After five or six times I stopped doing it though because it's pretty intense . Seeing that kind of thing over a long term could definitely mess with your head . So I hadn't done it in a long time but he called me up this morning to go to Kimballton with him because his usual guy Antoli is out of town right now and he doesn't like doing it with just Lourdes . So I went along and I realized that every possessed woman I've seen is skinny as a rail .

Do you think that's because demons are superficial and haven't gotten on the positive body image train ? Or do you think that being possessed makes you lose weight ?

All that clinging to ceiling corners is probably a really good core workout - and you're possessed so you probably push yourself beyond your normal physical limits . Plus the demon doesn't need food so aside from ammunition for projectile vomit they probably don't waste time eating anything . I think if you could be possessed for a few hours every day you could really tone up .

There's a graveground nearby my new office building and as I was driving by the other day I noticed they had a sign out saying they're hiring sales associates . I'm afire with curiosity about what selling burial plots is like . Is it just like any other sales job ? How could it be ? I have an image of that scene from Glengarry/Glenross playing through my head . "People just aren't dying right now" and then Alec Baldwin goes off on the dude .

I can't imagine that you do cold calling for burial plots . So where do they get their leads from ? Or do they not do anything at all and people come to them ? And if so is that a sweet gig ?

So many unanswered questions .

The first time I wrote this I ended REAL strong with a story about having a sexy sexy trivia battle with a friend from out of town - and it was super HOT . But I don't want to write that again .

But I will say this , the trivia cards I got where pretty good overall but there were a few questions that were much to hard and a couple that were stupid easy . One of the latter I will share with you "Does the earth revolve around the sun or does the sun revolve around the earth ?"

I'd like to think that if you get that one wrong poison gas comes out of the card and kills you before you can pass on your stupid genes .
Quality Mummy fucking at affordable prices
Posted:Feb 7, 2018 5:34 pm
Last Updated:Feb 9, 2018 5:01 pm
Now the guys down at Big Al's Mummy Fucking Hut are going to tell you that they can fuck your mummy for less . And you know what ? They're right . I cannot compete with Al when it comes to price . But let me ask you a question - do you want your mummy fucked or do you want your mummy fucked RIGHT ? Because as they say , you get what you pay for . 40Deuce's Mummy Fucking Service is a little more expensive but we do the job right . If you want a cheap , sloppy , ineffective mummy fucking then by all means go down to Big Al's Mummy Fucking Hut , by all means . But be prepared for your mummy to be groaning again in 3 months . Where's I guarantee that your mummy will stay fucked for 12 months . OR not only will you get your mummy back we'll fuck your mummy again free of charge . But that has never happened in the 22 years we've been in business . Your mummy deserves a better class of mummy fucker , and I'm here to give it you . And to your mummy .

MILF = Mummy I'd Like to Fuck , am I right ?

But seriously folks , I never realized until today that the Mummy (the one with BF) is a love story . Imhotep and Anck-Su-Namun just wanted to be together but society wouldn't let them . So what did they do ? The only thing they could do , they tried to change society . And what did they get for trouble ? Nothing good .

And check this shit out 25 HUNDRED years later Imhotep finally gets out of his tomb and what's the first thing he does ? He immediately starts looking for the love of his life , Anck-Su-Namun . The FIRST thing after two and a half millennia is to say "Where's my lady ?" If that doesn't warm your cockles I don't know what will (which I don't) .

Everyone gets their panties all went about Dracula waiting for Mina a mere 400 years and check this out - he wasn't even looking for her ! He was just doing Dracula stuff and he stumbled upon the reincarnation of his long lost love and then got all into it . What the fuck was he doing the rest of that time ? That was probably what , the 15th time she'd been reincarnated ? Dracula can go fuck himself with that weak ass bullshit .

I do have to wonder though , throughout those 2500 years do you think Anck-Su-Namun was building cults and trying to get to Imhotep every time or do you think she occasionally took a life off to pursue her own interests ? I mean love is love but after 2000 years do you think she said to herself after being re-born for the 600th time "You know , this one is just going to be for me , I'm going to learn the clarinet" . No she didn't ! Because their love is pure and honest and true .

And they'd still be together if it wasn't for that jerk Brendan Frasier . Just like me and Sally .

If you knew you'd be reincarnated would you kill yourself as soon as you felt like you were declining physically ? Or if you got into a really long line and were tired of waiting ? People get on Anck-Su-Namun for killing all those people but really if you were 2500 years old do you think it would even be possible to give a shit about someone who's only going to last 70 years ? I mean as Kafka said the meaning of life is that it ends .

Silly Kafka .

I found out today why I'm disengaged from the political process and from the world in general .

The debates of our culture are framed largely by appeals to emotion disconnected from the details of policy , and by the repeated assertion of talking points to which factual rebuttals are ignored . This differs from traditional contesting and falsifying of facts by rendering facts of "secondary" importance . This culture is as ascendant in America , Australia , The UK , China , India , Japan , Russia , Spain and Turkey so if you live in one of those countries I'm sorry . This problem has always existed to some degree but has been driven to prominence by a combination of the 24-hour news cycle , false balance in news reporting and the increasing ubiquity of social media .

And if there's one thing I don't do well with it's appeals to emotion . As of the CEO of my company put it today "Your problem is you try to approach everything with rational thought and explore all the options , that's not where we're at ."

That probably seems like a humble brag . And I guess it is . Actually maybe it's not , there's definitely people who value emotion over logic .
Sparafucile had deceived Rigoletto
Posted:Feb 6, 2018 5:45 pm
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2018 4:59 pm

I almost titled this post "Too many questions Mr. Wayne ?" but I've used that at least twice before . Possibly three times . And that movie wasn't very good .

A lot of people have been asking me lately if they find themselves in the Beaufort Sea and they see a polar bear swimming towards them how can they know if it's a wild bear coming to kill them or one of the Canadian rescue bears coming to save them . The Canadian rescue bears do wear a red caparison with the Canadian flag on the left and the text "rescue bear" on the right but you're not going to be able to see that while it's swimming towards you - especially not when you're in the process of drowning in icy cold waters .

What I tell people is just assume that is one of the rescue bears because if it's not you're screwed anyway and if it is you don't want to flail or try to get away or whatnot . When you're in the Beaufort Sea and you see a polar bear swimming towards you just let it happen - whatever it is . But if it makes you feel better it probably will be a rescue bear , the chances of a wild polar bear being nearby are pretty slim . Unless the reason you're in the water is because one was chasing you .

Young people often ask me "How do be great at sex like you 40 ?" and the truth is I don't know . I don't know how young people can be better at sex but I do know why the people of today are terrible at it - they just smash and splooge and back to the Crown . And the reason is because they don't make mixtapes and making sweet , sweet love to a fancy lady is just like making a mixtape .

We all learned the rules back in the day and if you didn't High Fidelity told them to you . You gotta kick off with a killer , to grab her attention. Then you got to take it up a notch , but you don’t wanna blow your wad , so then you got to cool it off a notch . But that's not even the most important bit , the key to a good mixtape (and making sweet , sweet love to a fancy lady) is knowing your audience . We've all been there , back in the day , some is like "check out this awesome mixtape I made !" Buzzing noise , wrong ! It's only awesome in the context of for whom/what it was made . It can still be good otherwise but the key is the focus on the subject . You gotta give the people what they want .

So yeah , it's not like you can start making mixtapes young people so , good luck I guess .

There was a ad I caught last night for matchdotharmonydotcupiddotplentyoffish and in said ad a dude said he was looking for a woman who was "trusting" . Not trustworthy , trusting . Which to me is basically like saying "I need someone I can lie to" . Being trustworthy is a good trait . Being trusting is a neutral trait at best .

Somehow a bunch of my cousins on the one side of my family turned out to be hippies and they're always telling me parables about how trusting everyone all the time is the best . Friggin' marks . Guess how many times they've been robbed blind .

Speaking of , someone asked me the other day why I'm so nice to idiots . And the reason is simple , I'm an idiot and I want people to be nice to me so why wouldn't I do the same to my fellow idiots ? It's not our fault we're idiots , everyone would choose to be smart if they could obviously , but that's not how it works . Plus just because someone is an idiot doesn't mean they're a bad person .

Fun fact Match has over 90 million registered users and less than 1 million active users .
You bet Jill Masterson's gold ass !
Posted:Feb 5, 2018 1:16 pm
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2018 5:01 pm
I need to start saying that more so it will catch on and enter the common parlance . Some people say it's too wordy for today's usage but they said the same thing about "sweet sassy molassy" and now you hear that everywhere .

Variations are also welcome , such as ;

"Did you get those tier 2 server queries set up ?"

"Does Jill Masterson have a gold ass ?"

I am often mocked in in the Sexbook- Free Adult Dating with FuckBook of Sex! community for my lack of "fetishes" or "kinks" or "freakations" and I used to be like "I like anal . . . . . " and they would just laugh more and throw nipple clamps at my eyes and say "Anal is vanilla and has been for years ! My grandparents do anal ALL the time !"

But finally I can become part of the community (and learning nothing from my experience torment others because of peer pressure) because clearly my fetish is for gold body paint . I mean gold skin would be better but until we meet some kind of aliens that doesn't seem to be on the menu .

If you'll remember my review of Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (and how could you forget it ? ) you'll recall that I was highly disappointed but I did comment that I liked the look of those gold people . Seeing Goldfinger has sealed the deal . My official fetish is now that I only want to bang if you're painted gold (or actually are gold but see above) .

And the best part is as they proved on Mythbusters it won't kill you . I mean not immediately by suffocation like they thought anyway , the paint probably is toxic and you'll die later from that .

When I was young and stupid (instead of just stupid like now) I assumed that my lack of kinks would make me more appealing to the opposite sex because they wouldn't have to conform to whatever dumb thing turned me on . How wrong I was . Women hate vanilla sex . It has to be really debased for them to feel anything . And even then it's barely anything .

I hear this is what all the ladies are into now ;

Speaking of , there's another 50 shades movie coming out (who knew there was more than one) and I love it because when one of those movies comes out it always prompts the "real" BDSM people to rail against "posers" . I don't know why I get joy out of that but I do . Probably because I'm a fundamentally unpleasant person .

At work today (because the office shut down because of the mega-death snowstorm) We got a long and very detailed notice from the FBI about how to handle "sextortion" which I had never heard of before .

Apparently the scam is you get some dude to cam and you just play a clip of a hot chick doing cam stuff and you get said dude to jerk off on his cam and then you take that and blackmail them . The only conclusion I can draw is that this happened to someone in the company because why else would the FBI be talking to us about it ? Anyway , watch out for that I guess .

Speaking of I have never liked the term "self-abuse" partially because people use it redundantly which annoys me ;

"Ever since grandpa moved in I've walked in on him self-abusing himself to anal videos like every week"

But that's not the reason I don't like it . I just realized yesterday what my problem with the term is - if masturbation is self abuse that means that sex is abuse . Which I hope isn't true .

Now for the questions (which should give you some idea to what my weekend was like) .

If you have the stomach flu and you go to the grocery store and you puke all over the tomatoes do you then have to buy all those tomatoes ? If they just washed them off and sold them what crime have they committed ?

And what if they're like heirloom , fair trade , organic , locally sourced , sustainable , free range , whatever other bullshit tomatoes so they're like $10 a piece do you still have to pay for them even though that price is insane and no one would have bought them even if you didn't vomit norovirus on them ?

And what if you decided that having the Norwalk Vomiting Disease is the perfect time to shop for an engagement ring and when they bring out the rings you blow chunks all over them ? Surely they can't make you buy tens of thousands of dollars of rings can they ? But just as surely no one wants to buy a puke ring . Also can viruses live on diamonds ?

Also a while ago some researchers in China thought they found something harder than diamond but then everyone else was like "nah" so diamond is still the hardest thing . Besides my dick .

Now , what if instead of the stomach flu you have ebola or something of that nature and you puke your deadly germs on the diamonds ? Then you'd have to be on the hook for the cost of the merchandise right ?

At what point in the future will medical technology advance to the point where you can trace viruses back to the source and hold people responsible ? And when we reach that point what should the laws be ? If you're able to quarantine everyone when you're able do your employers have to pay you if you can't work from home ? If they don't does the government kick in some money or are you just fucked ? How much value do we get out of reducing sickness ? Is it worth quarantining people for 15 days a pop every time they have a cold ?

Did you know a quarter of a million people die from norovirus ever year ? I didn't . That's a lot of people .
Wreck the ass , spoil the pussy
Posted:Feb 4, 2018 8:34 am
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2018 1:42 pm
It says that in the bible somewhere . Pretty sure .

I try hard not to be one of "those" guys but every now and than I will read a profile that clearly states what the woman is looking for and I am none of those things but I have the strong desire to contact her anyway . I don't , but I want to .

Do you remember that episode of Who's the Boss where Alyssa Milano can't catch a football anymore because her tits are coming in so she needs a training bra so Tony Danza buys her one but it's not the fancy one she wanted ? I wrote that episode . I still get a residual check every now and then .

My new workplace is big on having 2-3 minute presentations at the beginning of meetings about various corporatespeak BS which is usually accompanied by a picture because they have learned , as I have with this blog , without a picture people can't pay attention .

This is the one they showed the other day about teamwork . And I actually find to be very apt depiction of teamwork in that you have 7 people and only 3 of them are actually contributing anything .

The dude in the front with his hand up is clearly terrified of something . The guy behind him is trying his best but he looks like he's about to hurl . The two dudes behind him you can barely see - they represent the people on a team that are never present . On the one guy in the back is clearly contributing nothing - he might even be pulling the raft down .

And of course in the entirety carrying a raft on your head really just sums up the corporate experience .

Boss "Carry this raft on your head over there ."

Employee "Uh , would it make more sense to get in the raft and row it over there ?"

Boss "You have a bad attitude !"

I have often been quoted as saying that I had seen all the James Bond movies until the Daniel Craig era but that was actually a lie because I hadn't seen Dr. No and Goldfinger . But TLW and I watched Goldfinger this week so now it is true . I have seen all the Bond movies up until gross Daniel Craig .

I just decided what should have happened is that Christian Bale should have been Bond and Daniel Craig should have been Batman - that would have been much better . Because then there would be a mask over Craig's ugly mug .

Anyway , a lot of the early Bond stuff is pretty bad looking back on it now but Goldfinger is a dang good movie still . I mean the bad guy's plot is pretty stupid , irradiating gold ? But a lot of the bad guy plots are pretty dumb . Maybe I should rank them one day , people love lists .

TLW made the observation that the sexy body type was really different back then and I asked her what she meant and she said all the women have "pointy boobs and no ass" so I says to her I say "So if I was a woman in the I'd be set then" . Then we got into an argument about if their boobs were really that pointy or of they wore pointy bras . These are the moments in life that you cherish .

I one of the many scenes were Bond was being rapey I mentioned to her that these old Bond movies are kind of hard to watch and she shrugged and said that it's not really a big deal because "Bond knows they want it so it's okay" .

Whoa . Stop the presses . I didn't know what to make of that . Remember a while ago when it seemed like there was enough public pressure to change the name of the Washington Redskins and then they came out with a poll that showed that a lot of native Americas didn't really give a shit about it ? And all us white people were like "huh . . . okay ?" and didn't know what to do anymore so everyone just forgot about it ? It was like that .

Fun fact the Aston Martin DB5 car from Corgi Toys was the best selling toy that year . Because , you know , James Bond is obviously for children .
Time to make the doughnuts
Posted:Feb 3, 2018 10:51 am
Last Updated:Feb 4, 2018 8:06 am

As promised/threatened it's the return of the never popular mailbag post !

"Do you like chocolate ?" - RosePalm77

I’m glad you asked . I feel I get misrepresented on chocolate . My position is that chocolate is fine . It tastes good . I don’t mind chocolate at all . But many other people are all CHOCOLATE NOM NOM NOM WHY YOU NO EAT MORE and then they start making out like I’m some kind of chocolate hater . Like I’m a chocolate bigot , just because I only like . I’m not . I promise you , I’m no chocolate bigot . I’m pro-chocolate . I’m just no t, you know , insanely , off-the-charts , everyone-should-eat-as-much-chocolate-as-possible , let’s-round-up-people-who-don’t-want-to-marry-chocolate-and-put-them-in-camps kind of pro-chocolate . This is the trouble with moderate positions .

"Are we doomed ?" - TitAAAS69

Only in the sense that the future will be a nightmarish hellhole by our standards . I’m sure it’ll be fine to the people who live in it . I base this on how young people seem happy all the time while old people complain that the world has gone to hell .

In fifty years , the world could be a desert scorched by permanent war between rival corporate city-states and people would still be like “I would hate to live in 2017 , when people got the flu and just had to live with their original genitals .” You value the stuff you have and don’t miss what you don’t have.

Also morality is malleable as much as people don't like to admit it . I feel they misled us about this in school . Back then , I definitely had the idea that the future would be filled with difficult moral decisions about which technologies we would pursue and which we would reject in favor of human decency and dignity . But in reality , what’s happened is anything gets to exist if it works and people like it . Take Uber. Before Uber , cities had all these rules about who could drive a cab and how , and for the most part they were eminently reasonable attempts to keep people safe and not ripped off/murdered . Then Uber came along like “Hmm , hat if we DON’T have any rules” and people liked I t, so now we have that .

So the world is doomed always doomed in a way . But also full of promise , in that it will have things that I will personally dislike and not understand but which would have defined my life if they’d been invented when I was eight years old .

I’m optimistic that we will avoid destroying ourselves with nuclear weapons or runaway artificial intelligence . Not for any good reason . Logically, I can totally see that happening . But I have a good feeling .

"What are you doing to support net neutrality ?" KingKongDong44

Nothing . I just think it’s hypocritical to say we should live in a world where corporations are free to shape laws and pay no tax but not fuck the internet right it in it's internet asshole .

Don’t get me wrong : You definitely want to keep ISPs’ hands off the net as much as you can . ISPs are like water utilities that realized they should come right into your home and decide what kind of showers you can have , since it’s their water . You don’t want a bunch of water engineers trying to sell you eight-minute shower bundles . No-one wants that .

But I’m not comfortable with the portrayal of net Neutrality as a fight between good companies and bad companies . There’s just something about people praising the kindness and decency of an amoral profit-making machine that doesn’t sit well with me . I mean , I’m glad some companies are better than others . I appreciate that they’re not all dumping oil in the oceans and poisoning children and telling employees they’re family right before they fire them . It’s definitely a good thing that companies who get financially punished if they have a bad public image are compelled to act nicer than ones who don’t .

I just don’t like pretending they’re champions of freedom . Last time I checked , Apple and Google and Facebook and Netflix and all the rest were super-interested in sealing everybody into their own sections of the internet for money . As a rule , they are big fans of the principle of removing user choice in exchange for cash . In this particular case , abolishing net Neutrality means they might have to pay cash to ISP s, so they’re against that . But they’re all still busy working on their own forms of user lock-in .

The other thing is that this keeps happening . How many times has the battle for net Neutrality been won ? Four times ? And each time the ISPs go away and sulk with their paid-for politicians and wait for everyone to stop cheering about how they saved the internet and then they return with a new version that tries to do the same thing . So I would like to dispel the illusion that we’re actually accomplishing anything substantial here and instead take a look at the system that allows a thousand things like this to pass a year , only more quietly because they’re not opposed by major corporations , steadily entrenching inequality , selling out the future for the short-term gain of a powerful few .

But since we’re not doing that , net Neutrality is okay , I guess .

"How do you become a banana for a week?" - Immaassman

Start by becoming a banana for a minute and each day try to beat that record and go longer (TWSS)

"What would be your preferred (if not favorite) way to kill someone?" Monkeyballs22

You are sick . Get some help . Many years of therapy for you .

In order to get away with it I think there must be one layer of misdirection . You want the kind of murder where people’s first reaction is “What the hell , how did that happen” then a minute later “ohhhh” . They think they’ve figured out the secret . But they haven’ t. That’s when people stop thinking . No-one wants the thing they figured out to be wrong .

For example, let’s say shall we that I just strangled you to death. The first thing I’m going to do is strip you naked . Then I’m going to drag you to the bathroom , dip your head in the toilet , put a pair of tongs in your hand , roll you in flour , and throw you off the balcony .

So the cops are in an unfamiliar environment . That’s important. They’re more experienced with murder than I am . They know what to look for . But they won’t have dealt with too many naked wet flour-encrusted tong strangulations . That puts us back on even ground .

Now for the misdirection . I’m leaving a note signed by you . I CAN’T LIVE IN A WORLD THAT WON’T ACCEPT MY TONG-BASED SEX RITUALS . But it’s not convincing . The cops were already going to be suspicious and here it is , the thing that justifies their feelings . That’s when they find your phone, with angry messages to your girlfriend . WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE TONGS . I’M NEVER GOING TO DO THE TONG THING WITH YOU . Bang. Case closed . That girl is going to prison , because one twist is plenty .
Dobermanns , quicksand , cobras & kidnapping
Posted:Jan 31, 2018 6:48 pm
Last Updated:Feb 3, 2018 10:19 am
Remember back in the 80's when those were the things the media made us afraid of ? I miss those simpler fearmongering times .

I realized today that often when a "heist" is going down on a movie one of the "robbers" stand there with a watch yelling out how much time is left before they have to skedaddle - if there's a woman in the crew that's what she'll be doing (also if they get away she'll be the one banging the leader , and possibly the second in command but that's on the sly) .

I've decided this is stupid . Who's going to be dogging it while robbing a bank and then hear "60 seconds" and decide to pick up the pace ? If you're robbing a bank you should be robbing it as hard as you can from the get-go . And if you're not why are you in the crew in the first place ? Maybe cut your teeth on some less high pressure crimes first slowpoke .

After my short stint at the strip club Blondies (which lyingly claimed to have 98% blondes when in fact they hardly ever cracked 50% ) the next college job I had was at the Val Lanes Recreation Center . As I'm sure every bowling joint does (or did anyway are prank calls still a thing ? ) we'd occasionally get the old"do you have 10 pound balls" gag .

The third or fourth time I answered the phone and got this bit the caller does the "Well then how do you walk !" and I says to him I says "The real question is how does your mom manage to get them in her mouth every night ?" and the kid started crying . That is my greatest accomplishment .

Really though balls in mouth is barely a thing . I do kinda like it though .

As I've mentioned many (many) times before Star Trek TNG was great in it's day but sucks 10 pound balls when viewed through modern eyes . For the most part . I caught Time's Arrow the other day and it's still pretty great , probably because it's most Data focused . My main complaint about it would be that they did what writers seem to always do when playing about with time travel - they have to interject a famous historical figure into the mix .

The episode would have been much better without shoehorning Samuel fucking Clemens into the story for no god damn reason . Now if an also time displaced Roger Clemens had shown up that would be a different story .

Speaking of I need to correct something . History isn't written by the winners as people like to say , it is written by nerds . Writing is for nerds . Reading is for nerds . I LOVE SPORTS . Touchdown !

Speaking of , I don't believe in psychic phenomena or prophetic dreams or any supernatural bullshit except werewolves (they come up from Cuba to sell crack) but I had a dream last night that I will share with you in case you believe in that kind of stuff and you want to use my gift for the purposes of gambling .

I dreamt last night that the Patriots will be up 21-17 in the waning moments of the Superbowl . Foles will hit Blunt with a pass over the middle to the Patriots 40 and he'll go down to make the catch but no one will touch him and he'll get back up and rumble down the field into the endzone . There will be a LONG review where they finally declare that when he went to the ground the ball hit the turf so it wasn't a catch . With only a few seconds left the Eagles work their way down the field and on the last play Foles will throw a high arcing ball that will be caught by my grandma on the goaline . She'll look confused for a moment and then lunge for the endzone , a split second later Butler will slap the ball out of her hands . There will be an even LONGER review and they will determine that my grandma's foot broke the plane of the goaline before she lost the ball . Philly wins 23-21 .

Vegas should give you pretty good odds on that .

Does this picture look weird to you ? The mouth seems wrong . Maybe they photoshopped in a different mouth ? Why would they do that ?

I haven't done a mailbag post (or AMA as the kids call it now) post for almost 3 years so I'm working on that for the next one . But here's a sneak peak now .

Erotictikighost asked "What's the best thing to do after getting out of a serious relationship .

If you just got out of a serious relationship, the best thing to do is start seriously dating the next to which person you’re attracted . Instead of letting yourself heal , just transfer the love you had with the prior person to the new person .

And finally I just saw a post where someone was bragging about saving a groundhog and how now they're best friends . Well just do you know I once found a praying mantis in my mailbox and now we rent a villa in Tuscany every summer but you don't see me making a federal case about it .

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