Time Again
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Posted:Apr 30, 2012 4:47 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2012 5:21 pm
4393 Views
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Hey Everyone, I have been off here for sometime. It’s about time to get at this again. Well, where to begin, so many things have changed in the last year. Well for starters, I am much more comfortable with who I am, there are still the occasional times when I look in the mirror that I wonder who’s eyes I am looking into, but then I remember, my eyes. Looking into them you could almost get lost thinking about the things that have transpired in ones life. Each event being a defining moment in one’s personality. I have made some choices that might not be the best recorded events to remember, but to my own justification, I have made many better choices.
I have a new job, OMG it is amazing, I have made some great friends in my new workplace, a few are aware of who I am, by my choice to let them know, the rest may know in time, but I do not foresee it being an issue as it had been with my previous place of employment. I have developed a very great relationship with 2 individuals in particular who I would trust with my dirtiest secrets, hmmm, dirty laundry, might be time for a wash and let it all hang out and dry in the air.
I won’t say that the last year hasn’t had it’s moments of struggle, but nobody’s life is perfect, but the great events that have occurred have far over-ridden that bad. I learned the hard way that what others think is not very important after-all, it is what I think of myself that makes a difference. If i can get up in the morning and look at myself and be OK with who I see looking back, then that is OK with me, the hell with anything else.
I have learned how to laugh again, OMG I have missed that. Last week an old dear friend and I, with very new and great friend went to see a movie, we laughed so hard at times I could feel myself letting go and being OK, it’s OK to be me. My friends have helped me to see this, and although they don’t know it, they are very special to me, and I count on them as I hope they can count on me.
As far as my being gay, hmmmm, seems like the rumor mill is still abuzz around here in this little backwoods town, but it is home and I have chosen to live here, so guess what, I roll the dice and add a little fuel to the fire from time to time just to see how high the flames can get before reality sets in and those who seem bent on gossiping about others gets a hard reality check when their rumors come back and bite them in their not so small asses, lol, ha on them, nice to play back with fire and see them get burnt for a change.
Oh I am still alone, my choice though, I do not wish to be a and bed down with every swinging tool that comes along, I have to have a little pride and be able to live with my decisions and if being alone is the outcome, well so be it.
Sometimes all I need to do is get in my car, crank some dance tunes, and strike out for a drive, no particular destination in mind, but just to get away and be free for a bit. I am looking forward to this summer, I have my traveling partner back again, my mom, we still have our moments where we don’t agree, but things have improved from what they were after I told her I was gay. Some days I still think and exorcism would help, but wouldn’t trade her in for anything, she is my mom.
Well gonna run for now, just wanted to put a little down, more to come sooner than later….
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Friends & Neighbours
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Posted:Nov 21, 2010 12:56 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2010 10:39 am
5296 Views
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As some of you have already read, I am a gay man, recently admitting who I am for the first time. Well, it was something very difficult for me to verbally say each time I have said it. I had myself convinced I would have no friends left in this little backwoods town of 300 that I live in.
I sat alone many nights here in my living room thinking that people were talking about me and plotting to get rid of me. There have been the odd remarks and my cars were both vandalized on Halloween, this gave me even more fuel for my ideas of having nobody to talk too.
Well, guess what, I was wrong, OMG, the overwhelming support I have received from my friends and community has been honestly overwhelming, making me cry frequently as people tell me how much they care.
I had myself convinced that people in this town would never understand a gay man living in their midst, I am the one who let them down, I souled have known them the be better people than I assumed. The most part are people of very good moral judgment and outstanding friendship. I know they don't fully understand why I am the way tat I am, but those that have actually taken the time to sit and talk have left a little more enlightened. Most thought it was a choice I was making to be gay or as some put it 'sleep with another man'. I took the time to sit or stand and explain to them that it is not a choice, it is who I was born to be, the only choice I made was to finally be honest to them and no longer hide in the shadows.
When my cars got vandalized, I was so embarrassed by what happend, but more than that hurt that someone could be so cruel, at the time I thought it was the towns sentiment/feeling, but this is not that case. Many members of my town have made a point of stopping in to visit, stopping in the grocery store, or even stopping at the post office while I am getting My mail to take the time to talk about what happen and express the disgust they feel about what was done to me. These ar all the same people I thought would ostracize me when they found out. Well my secret is now out to everyone in the community, not all by my choice but rather the billboards my cars were made into.
I have had people send me cards with handwritten words of encouragement, meals dropped off, and the casual visits have been great.
To the people of this town and to my friends, I am sorry for having misjudged you all, you are people of great character, and am very proud to call you my friends and neighbors.
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Suicide
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Posted:Nov 21, 2010 12:39 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2012 4:48 pm
5352 Views
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Hi Again Everyone,
Well, I did a stupid thing on Nov 10, 2010, I attempted suicide. I had gotten so far down that I did not see any possibility of seeing up ever again. There were a couple of things that led me to that moment. Firstly, I started playing with my medication, when I quit my job 10 weeks ago, I knew I would be financially challenged to purchased my meds due to the $900+ / month they would cost, so I cut them back on my own without consulting my doctor for advise or options. At first I didn't see any change in my moods so I cut them all down to a 3rd of the original dose trying to make them last as long as possible. Well was I ever mistaken, I did not notice because I wasn't able to notice what was happening, I hit some very bad lows, looking back now, what happened during that time amazes me that anyone can live through something like this without snapping.
Secondly, I finally got in contact with my workplace to find out their decision regarding the allegations I made of harassment and discrimination, I knew this to be a futile action because of my results in the pas with them, but the woman I spoke to was less than pleasant and very rude to the point that I know she believes that she has the only opinion that matters, Well, I felt that I was harassed and discriminated against, does this matter to anyone but me?, I think so, currently I have a complaint with the Human Rights Commission, and am awaiting findings from their investigation.
Thirdly, I let a group of individuals who are not important get under my skin. I should have known their opinions were clouded and could not make a competent decision on their own, unless it was told to them. For some reason I have always allowed others opinions to effect me, when I should know better.
These 3 reasons and a few other led to the events on Nov 10, when I attempted suicide by overdose. I had taken a full months worth of my meds for depression, without thinking of how the impact of what I had done would effect those I leave behind. I had selected the clothes I wanted to wear for my funeral, selected a song to be played and wrote my good-bye letters to my mom and a few close friends, all this I had left on my kitchen table. Well, someone is watching over me, my attempt failed, my mom found me a little later, she called 911 and got the assistance she needed to keep me from dying, Thanks Mom. When I awoke, I was in the local hospital hooked to an array of equipment to monitor my condition and supply my body with meds to counter those I had taken, I lost 2 days of my life that I cannot recall, and for the best, I am glad I don't remember. One of my closest friends was working as a nurse at the hospital at the time, I am so grateful for her being there to comfort my Mom through all that she was seeing happen to me, to my friend, Thank-You, you are an angel in disguise, I now see you are more than a friend to me, you are my guardian angel who when I look back has always been there at every turning point in my life, love ya sweetie.
Well I am home again and back on my proper dose of medication, coping to get by each day, some things are more important than money, life is one of them.
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Hate & Anger
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Posted:Nov 8, 2010 4:00 am
Last Updated:Nov 9, 2010 7:32 pm
5625 Views
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Well, it has been a little bit since I have sat and wrote anything, so here goes again. Lets see, where to begin, well, I'll start with Halloween last weekend. The days itself started as most do, got everything ready for the little spooks who I knew would be out later in the day. Evening came on, and the little spooks were very cute in their costumes, some very very creative this year. As usual I sat down and watched horror movies most of the evening, I do like to watch them, but have trouble sleeping aftwerwards. I ended up going to bed around 2am.
During the later hours of the night, 1 or more goblins showed up at my place, I think maybe they were upset because I had gone to bed, so they decided to pull a trick. Well when I got up Monday morning and looked out my window over the sink, I was shocked, sick, saddened, horrified, and angered. Could my eyes have been wrong, I grabbed my shoes and went outside.
Well, there sitting in my yard were my 2 cars, both had been spray painted from front to back with flouescent orange/pink paint. This was just not an ordinary paint job though, someone was sending me a message. He/She/They ??? wrote Gay, Fag, Homo, Queer, Fruit, Cocksucker all over my cars.
Needless to say, I was not a happy camper, all I could was cry, not sure if it was out of anger, upset or scared all boiling up at once. By now, people had started to stop and take a look. One elderly gentleman got out of his truck crying and telling me how sorry he was that something like this could happen in our small town and that this happend to me. My neighbours came over and shook their heads in disgust. Most of these people had no idea I was living in secret as a gay man, well this has brought my secret to light in a way I had not planned.
Later in the afternoon the police showed and did their look around and took my statement. We did a walk around of the property and the neighbouring areas hoping we might have found something that would help the investigation, but, nothing was to be found. I had several poeple from the community stop during the day to take alook at what had happend, none thought something like this could ever happen in our little town, but, guess what, hate only hides deeper in small town, and when it does reveal itself, it is a huge eye opener, in this case it was directed at me, the gay man, who lived alone and never bothered anyone.
I finally got in contact with my insurance later in the day after calling back and fourth several times, obkly to be told they wee only going to cover my 2007, but would not cover my 2000, strange thing is, I have the same coverage on both cars, so I have been on the phone all week trying to get this settled, and nothing yet.
Also, here it is a week later and no word from the police, pretty much what I expected though, unless someone comes forward with what they know or someone makes a mistake and brags about what they did, I don't think they will ever get caught.
I have run though alot of emotion this last week, fear, crying, anger, frustration, and again fear. It is getting to the point that I am afraid to go upstairs at night in case someone tries to come into the house, and I am considering moving from the area. No person should have to live in fear, although there are many people in this world who live like this every day, my heart goes out to eveyr one of you. My heart also goes out to the person(s) who did this to me, I feel sorry for you, it truly is not your fault for being ignorant, you can't help that you don't know any better, didn't learn anything in school, didn't have an upbringing like most of the human race that teaches us compassion and understanding, but most of all I am sorry that my anger may get the better of me and you will have to drink soup through a straw when I get ahold of you, this is not who I am, but I am enraged about what has been done. Anyways, I have to stop for now, because I am getting angry again, and do not want this day to be about anger, I am visiting a friend today, and do not want him to see me like this. To all my friends, and my 2 special friends, I want to say thank-you for everything this last week, without it I am not sure how I could have gotten to today, love you all.
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Scared
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Posted:Oct 4, 2010 4:08 pm
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2010 4:55 pm
5308 Views
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How can a person feel so good then hit so low that you can't see any glimmer of hope. I sit here all day long and think of the mistake I made for people to cast judgement on me, and fail to find any reason, so I blame yourself for not being a better person. I sit here and think is it worth the agony and hurt that is felt, and the only answer I can find is to end everything, but I just can't seem to make myself do it, is that cowardice or fear of not knowing what awaits us in another life.
As I sit here, I dread what I could do to myself. This summer was the happiest I have been in my life, for those moments of happiness I try to hold on, if it were not for friends to talk to and knowing that there are people who love me, it might be easier to end the pain.
How could my employer have allowed me to be harrassed and take no action to stop it, I wonder if I am in the wrong, I don't think that by being honest with myself and admitting that I am gay that it makes me a bad person that should be shunned, made fun of and told i am a deviant, against god, going to hell, and gays should be shot. I gave my employer adequate chance to make the situation right and now I can't even get an answer from the one individual who I thought was honest with me 2 weeks ago and told me it would be looked after and he would be in contact soon, well its now 2 weeks later, and can't even get a return call to tell me anything at all, any kind of an answer would be better than the silence.
I sat here in my house today and set out a plan on what I would do if I did decide to end things, but I am not going to give in and let them have the upper hand, well, I am going to fight this.
I am afraid though, because I know this will happen to others if I do not do something about it now, I just hope my mind can keep itself together long enough to make the wrongs done to me known and fight for the truth to come out and those responsible to be held accountable for the pain they inflict on others. I am a single individual and would be going against one of the largest employers in this area, should I do this, or should I sit back, how could I live with myself if I found out this was done to someone again. This is not the first time this has happend in my workplace, a couple of years ago, another individual at work had the same problem, she was harrassed and made fun of for being different, so what if people are different, why are people so afraid of different and label it as wrong. Well, she reported the incident, in my mind, it was not taken seriously by management at the time and 2 weeks later she was let go, I know she was let go for speaking up, but did not have the support behind her to get justice for the wrong that was done to her. I am friends with her and feel that I maybe could have done more at the time, but did not, does that make me guilty as those who made fun of her in the first place, I don't know. All I know is that some day I will have to answer for my mistakes in life, and I hope I can hold my head up and be proud of who I am.
I am scared right now, because if I do this, then my secrect will be wide open to everyone and all the quacks in the world will try and pick my life apart and think themseves better than me, well they are not, just go ahead and let them cast the first stone, I need to do this and stand up so no other person should have to go through what is happening in my life right now, it is nothing anyone should ever have to experience.
People tell me there is nothing to fear but fear itself, well not sure if that is true, it is an easy thing to say, but I don't have much faith in those words, there are alot of things in this world to be afraid of, mostly ourselves, as we are most times our own worst enemy. We are capable of so many good things in life, but when it really comes down to it, we are also capable of alot of horrible actions and thoughts, that is what scares me, I know that a part of me wants to call it quits, and take the easy way out, but the other part of me says no, I need to face this, fear is here, scared I am, not sure if scared more of others, but definately sure, I am scared of myself.
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Ashamed
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Posted:Sep 25, 2010 3:56 pm
Last Updated:Nov 7, 2010 1:46 am
5458 Views
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Well, everyone, I sat here thinking about what to write about today, and the same thing seems to be playing in the back of my mind lately, I am ashamed of my past. As some of you know from reading ym first entry, 6 months ago I admitted for the first time vocally to a select few friends I trust that I am gay, well it was a weight off my shoulders but part of me is very ashamed for several reasons.
Reason (1)
I lied to my friends and family
To all my friends I have lied to I am sorry for not being honest, those of you who I have told have been incredibly supportive, I wish I had told you years ago, look at the time that has been missed. I had cut myslef off from many of my friends for fear of being found out, I know now that it was the wrong thing to do, I have lost many memories that did not happen because I chose to live a lie. I am ashamed that I did not think enough of my friends to trust that they would not judge me and out me to everyone.
My family is another story, as a growing up I was so scared of my mother finding out that I was gay that, I went so far into the closet I could almost see Narnia. I have told my mother a few months ago, she had the reaction I expected and threw me out, it has been a rough road with her, see she was my best friend, and my travel partner whenever I went on vacation, this summer I have not taken vacation because it would not be the same, and I really would not prefer to go alone anyways. But, I am ashamed for not telling her because of all the years she missed who her really was, and we could have started then building a relationship as mother and based on trust and respect. She told me the other day again that I have let her down, I know not from being gay, but from lying to her all these years, she has come around a little in her own way, I know she still loves me, but things are different, I am not sure if we will ever be best friends again. I told my brother who was ok, he replied its about time you said something. My sister I can tell is having a little difficulty, growing up I was always Bubby to her, she rarely called me by name to this day, but I could see the hurt in her eyes when I told her. To my family I am sorry for lying to you, I should have respected you more to trust that love can help conquer all, the road may have been rough and bumpy at first, but as with all roads with potholes and bumps, eventually the holes get filled or a fresh coat of tar is applied hiding the belmishes, making a person forget the bumps that were there in the first place.
Reason (2)
I lied to women in my life to hide
I had it in my head that if I acted straight and dated women I could convince myself I was straight. What happend though caused me more problems than it solved. I was in one relationship for seven years with the same incredible woman, I do love her still to this day, but the love is not the same as a couple that spends all their lives together. I was able to have sex, but it was never a comfortable situation, I would often come home afterwards and grab a shower trying to scour my skin off for shame of what I had just done, all this having been done for me to try and convince myself that I could make myself straight. I am still friends with the women I dated to hide, all but one now know my secret and have forgiven me for the deception.
Reason (3)
I used to sneak around
I had many sexual encounters in my mid 20's to mid 30's with men. None of these were from a relationship, they were all one night stands, most times never knowing the name of the person I was having sex with. I used to hide out at parks, truck stops and rest areas trying to find contact of any kind. This shames me greatly, because growing up I knew better than that, but sex took control of me and I did not care where I found it or who it was from. For this reason I am more than a little messed up when it comes to how a relationship should really work, because all I have let myself know is how to see someone in the dark and not any attachment at all.
Reason (4)
I lied to myself
I had myself convinced the life I was living was the only option I had, but I wrong, I am so ashamed for not giving myself a chance to be happy with who I truly am, I told myself for so long that I didn't like things or do things that I really wanted to do, because I was afraid someone might get curious or figure my secret out. I have trouble now trying to figure out if the things I do in my spare time I actually like doing or if I convinced myself to like them.
I am working on being able to identify who I am, and not living under a rock, I am proud of who I am...
More to come...
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Discrimination / Harassment
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Posted:Sep 23, 2010 6:11 pm
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2011 7:02 am
5433 Views
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Its funny how in this day and age we are still as backward a society sometimes as it was in the 1800's. Look at how we treat other people and then think about if the roles were reveresed. I find it amusing when you get companies who preach intolerance at harrassment and discrimination in the workplace. There seems to be 2 sets of rules that apply, 1 for those people who think they are better than everyone else and a 2nd set of rules for the general population who slave every day and work hard to advance themselves.
I guess where I am going with this entry is about what happend to me this summer. I live in a very small community, in the heart of the bible belt in this area. It is hard to beleive even still what happend, but here goes.
I was at work in my office one day with another co-worker, typical day like any other. One of the employees came in like he usually does several times a day, only this time was different, in his mind he had a purpose and probably thinks his opinion is the only one that matters. He started a conversation like he normally does, only this time instead of it being an ordinary talk, he started to spew vile at me. He looked at me and told me I was a deviant, going to hell for being gay, against gods wishes, and that gays should be shot. OMG, I was furious inside, I do not know how I kept from lunging at him and tearing his tongue out of his mouth.
Meanwhile, my co-worker who heard the entire thing sat back and acted as though nothing had happend. I questioned him after about what he heard and he said he wasn't impressed. As it happend, my boss was off that day, so the next day as soon as I had a chance, I asked to speak to him. I then told him the story about what happend the previous day, foolish me for expecting something to come from that.
Here I am 2 months later, still upset, but not so much now at the individual who said the filth in the first place, but now I am angry with my boss for not addressing the issue. I realize that his position is not the view of the entire company i worked for, oh yes, I quit my job 2 weeks ago because of the stress and the inaction of my boss. When I quit, it seemed to me like he was happy, it was at that point I knew I was alone in this fight. I came home from work after I quit and cried non-stop for hours, thinking , how could I quit a job that I loved doing, paid well, and had invested many years to build the career I had.
Things got so bad again, that I was starting to have thoughts of hurting myself, scared that I might do something to harm myself, I asked for help and started counselling again, you see, I suffer from post traumatic stress from an event that occured when I was 5 and depression that has been building over the last few years.
It burns me inside to think that with all the advancements we have made as a society that inside we really have not come that far in our compassion for others. What happend to me reminds me of being back in grade school dealing with the schoolyard bully all over again. I have had 2 discussions with professional individuals in the last week about what happend, and they both agree with me that what happend should not have been tolerated, they even helped me realize that it wasn't only the individual that spoke down to me that was harrassing and discriminating me, that my bass discriminated against me with his inaction. I have given this some thought over that last few days, and the only answer I can come up with is to push the issue. This should not be tolerated and those guilty should be made to answer for what they did wrong.
The only thing that I will not be comfortable with is that if I do proceed with this, my life will become an open book, you see, I am only out to a few friends and family, but once I start pushing this issue, word is going to get out more than it has now, but, F**K IT, if it happend to me, there are others it has happend to, or will happen to. If someone does not stand up now for what is wrong, then I am just as guilty for not trying to stop it before it hurts someone else.
I have already been branded with some pretty interesting names here in this backwoods town, but it has helped thicken my skin to help me better deal with what may be coming. Tomorrow will be my decision, right now I am still on the fence but leaning one way more than the other.
Life is better than having to worry all the time if someone is going to harrass or discriminate against you, our time should not be spent walking on pins and needles afraid for the next time it happens,
Chin up, I am off to do what I think is the right thing to do...
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OMG, Thank God Batteries Don't Last Forever
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Posted:Sep 22, 2010 8:34 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2010 6:41 pm
5514 Views
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Well everyone, this one is going to be a little humourous to you, but at the moment to me it was pure terror, but looking back on it now, I see it with humour. Please don't judge, and see it for what it is.
I have always been curious about toys, and until I finally was true to myself I never had the nerve to go into a sex store and pick one up for myself. You see, I have always wanted and been curious about butt plugs.
Well on my way back from working at our head office one day, I stopped at the toy store. Nervous as I was, I could feel the colour rising in my face, I know I was 10 shades of red. Well, I had no idea of what I was looking for, so the sales clerk came over to offer assistance. He was very easy going to a point that I know I was blushing continually.
Anyways, he helped me pick out a butt plug, but not any plain one, it was a battery powered model, that he asured me would give me pleasure that I have not known before, well trust is in me so I made the purchase and proudly strutted out of the store. I live an hour and a half from there so by the time I got home, I had lost a little nerve and threw it in the batroom vanity drawer.
Later in the evening i said, what they hell, and went and dug it out. I got out my new toy and admired it, proud of myself for finally getting one. I removed it from the package and inserted the batteries, damn they are small and almost lost them down the sink. Well, I got out my trusty bottle of lube and slicked it up for easier entry. I proceeded to slide my new friend into his new home, nice, not too bad, kinda nice, different, and the pulsing was nice too, the saleman was right, this was definately an experience I would remember.
Well ladies and gents, was I ever in for the experience that would burn itself into my memory for years to come. You see, the little magic bullet while providing stimulating pleasure all of the sudden decided to take on a mind of its own. The damned things disappeared all the way inside, and guess what, no safety cord, OMG. I was in complete horror as to what I was gong to do, the waves of pleasure as the little bullet was riding against my prostate was sending shivers of pleasure all over my body, this was something I was not going to forget anytime soon.
I frantically thought to myself, what the F**K am I going to do. There was no way I could call a friend to come and help me, imagine being on the other end of the phone while I am trying to explain what was happening, I think I would rather the thing short circuit and kill me, lol. I tought for a minute about going to the hospital, but there was no way I could drive the 45 mins it would take to get there without my eyes rolling in back of my head and driving off the road. I then thought maybe I should call an ambulance, but then, thank god, I remembered, where we live so far away, that sometimes the fire dept. will respond until the ambulance gets here. Picture it now, my yard filled with fire trucks and on lookers to see what is going on, the whole while, friends of mine who are on the fire dept. are scratching theirs heads trying to figure out to handle the situation, I don't think they have the proper equipment on the truck other than maybe the jaws of life to perform such a rescue.
Anyways, I decided against all those options real quick, I was freaking out enough, but oh was my insides enjoying the feeling. Then I had an idea, I might be able to get the stamina to get in my car and head to the corner store. Well that is what I did, shakey legs and all. When I got to the store, as luck would have it, a friend of mine was working and I couldn't find what I was looking for, so I turned to her and asked as calmly as I could, WHERE ARE THE EXLAX. She looked me up and down, and commented that I didn't look so well, and all I could manage for a reply was I think I am coming down with the flu. Well I made my purchase and took off as fast as my shakey legs would carry me.
I got home a couple of minutes later, and proceded directly to the washroom and proceded to gulp down the entire box of exlax, thank god for no gag reflex. Shortly after the batteries went dead in my toy from hell, then I started to feel a very uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. Yes, the exlax were starting to work. OMG thank god nobody was in firing distance, because that little toy from hell shot out like a bullet being shot from a tank, I could have killed someone at 500 feet.
Well to make a long story short, I was glad I made my first toy purchase, but even happier to send the thing off onto its own journey into the back woods, I am not sure if I will ever see my friend from hell again, nor am I really worried about it, maybe some moose grabbed ahold of it as a toy, who knows.
All I know, if the time comes that I decide to try a toy again, I am going to make sure that an emergency cord is firmly attached, lol, have a good one, more to come...
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Normal
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Posted:Sep 21, 2010 6:46 am
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2010 7:02 am
5627 Views
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What is normal, hmmmmm
When I first decided 6 months ago to be honest with myself I was unsure then of who I was, I use the word Who and not What, because I figure I am not a thing and not a what. But, why do some still have in their heads that who I am is a phase and not normal.
I had a friend come over just after I had started telling my friends about myself. She sat in my living room with me knowing that something was bothering me. I finally got the strength to look at her and let her in on my secret. Well that may have been one of my first mistakes. She proceded to quote scripture to me, you see my friend is a devout christian, and her life in church is very important to her.
What I did not expect from her though were her comments. She did not make fun of me in anyway, but I could tell it was a subject she was not comfortable with, and did not understand. She sat on my couch for a few minutes without saying anything, but I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. When she finally did speak, she told me that she had thought maybe this was why I had asked her to come over to talk.
She asked the usual questions, Are you sure, How do you really know, but the question that still gets me 6 months later is, Have you tried to be normal... I looked at her and asked, tell me what normal is. Well that got into a discussion involving relegion, for each comment she made, I had an answer that I could come back with, you see, for a time in my life, I was a devout christian as well, I stopped going to church years ago after sitting in the pews became too much for me. It got to the point in church that listening to the sermons that were occasionally preached on homosexuality being a mortal sin, and sitting there expecting the floor to open up and swallow me into a fire that I knew this was not the place for me to be. Don't get me wrong, I do beleive in god, I know what is in my heart and do not need a seat to sit in and listen to someone tell me their version of what is Normal in the world.
Well, back to my friend. As she sat there I knew there was more stirring inside her than she had let go, so I told her to let it all out, that it would not effect our friendship as far as I was concerned, well I was mistaken. She proceeded again to tell me how this life I had chose was not what was intended for me. See, she thinks that being Gay is a choice, I tried my best to help her understand that this is not a choice, who would choose to be an outcast to society.
Most of her worry I think centered around the fact that we live in a very small community of 300, in a very rural area, and that people would not understand and give me a hard time.
It was her next series of comments that have burned themselves into my head for life, I do not know if I can forget them, I had never expected her to say anything like that. She looked at me from my couch and told me that with determination and gods help I could be normal. Again, that word, Normal, I still have no grasp on what this means. She then proceded to tell me that if she were not married to her husband she would derobe in front of me to try and convert me back. How could she be so absolutely wrong in her thinking, this was a person who I had respected as a friend for many years, and to say something like that, it will stick with me for a very long time. Don't get me wrong, I was kinda flattered that she cared so much for me that she would be willing to offer herself as a sacrifice to the gay man in front of her, to try and save his soul.
I have gottent to the point i am done trying to explain that my life is not a chioce, but who I was born to be. Her and I still speak, but not like we used to, I can tell there is a difference in our friendship, when I look at her, I see the hurt in her eyes, and yes it bothers me that I let a friend down, but I do not know how to fix her issues, nor should I have to, it is her problem not mine, if people in this day can still be so narrow minded and let relegion run their lives, then it is out of my hands for what I can do, afterall, I am only human, not a god, and working to be as Normal a person as I can be, but please, if anyone has an idea of what Normal is, please enlighten me.
Normal, is it a state of being or a state of mind...
Who Knows, I know I don't...
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Out to my Friends
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Posted:Sep 20, 2010 8:32 pm
Last Updated:Nov 7, 2010 1:53 am
5534 Views
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Well this is my first try at this.
I am 39 years old, I have lived with a secret since I was 14, I am a Gay Man. I recently(last 6 months) have admitted this to a few close friends who I have deceived over the years for fear of rejection. I could not have been more wrong. Not once has a friend freaked or run away screaming fruit alert at the top of their lungs, most have been very accepting, a couple I can tell might not completely understand, but are still my friends. I made the mistake of telling at least one person who I did not know that their mouth was as big as my assets, but guess what, who the F*** cares, if someone does not like me now, well, F*** it, it is their problem not mine.
I told my mother not long ago, she reacted as expected, she threw me out, but in the last little while, she has made some progress, other days though, I think I might need an exorcism performed on her, but she is my mom and I still love her.
I have 2 very special GF's who have always been there for me over the many years we have known each other. I was so ashamed/scared to tell them about myself that for a long time I cut myself off from them completely, but they did not give up on me. When I finally told them, I couldn't grasp in my mind that their reaction would have been as positive as it was. They have been here for me through this process of trying to identify myself for the first time in my life.
Funny, I really don't know if what I like in life is real, or from myself telling me I liked ot over the years to keep up a charade of hiding and not raising suspicion. At 39 I am finally opening my eyes to things around me that I didn't / wouldn't dare to admit wanting or liking. It will be a challenge to identify myself after all these years of hiding out, but I am on the road, and have great support.
I have had relationships in the past with women while trying to carry on the charade of being 'NORMAL', what is that anyways. Somehow I have managed to stay friends with those great individuals, and all except one, now know my secret. Living in a small community does not help either. Having been so afraid to be myself here, I for years would escape to the city on Friday & Saturday nights to hang out and look for any connection. Most times this was at a highway rest area or a park, wait, don't freak out or think me a pervert. At the time I knew no other way to meet someone and I was reaching out for any kind of an emotional attachment, be it a 10 minute rendevous or an overnight with someone I didn't know. I am so lucky to be clean and disease free, I did not always play safe, guess the drive took hold and overrode my knowing better, not to sound like a commercial or anything, remember to place safe.
I met a new friend 6 months ago, and we have become very close. He has helped me through this point in my life with everything he can offer to me in his own way. Finally in my life I am truly in love for the first time. Currently we are apart, not by choice, the time is very long, it has only been 12 days, but already seems like much longer, the good thing is, on day 12, it is 12 days closer to being together again.
I am not sure why I have wrote what I have, maybe to vent a little frustration at myself for not trusting my friends to be more than what I thought, this one time, I am glad to have been proven wrong. To all my friends, I love yas all... More life to come
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