|
|
150 views
|
realizing maybe im not so crazy....
so i have been on this site now for 4 months, was nervous and scared at what kinda reception id receive, what people would think of me. here i am a perfectly normal hansom 24 yr man for whatever reason just overwhelmingly drawn to dressing and acting like a woman. i honestly don't know when the obsession started, i just remember when i was 17 working at a major retail store id sneak off and go try on items in the bathroom...i felt so perverted and weird, i didn't know what to make of it. a few years later i have to move back in with my dad, lost my job hit rock bottom. well i have a 26yr step mom and i found myself yet again trying on lingerie, again i couldn't help myself i knew it was wrong i knew it was weird but it was always in the back of my mind. well one day my dad found a stash that i had hidden in my room, and after the most awkward and horrific talks of my life i lost all my items and just put that side of me away. so i got a job moved back out and now currently living with my brother, thankfully he has never brought up the fact that i was caught dressing up. but then again i think he just knows, i've always played/made female characters on video games, i listen to Brittany spears/Rhianna, it has to be be amazingly clear to anyone reading the signs. but recently the obsession has become overwhelming, the desire so great but yet so amazing. it came to the point i made post on CL mainly to test the waters as i did here, i'm not about going around and being a dirty fucking everything that walks catching every std known to man that's just the only avenue i knew of that had well an abundance of sexually needy people so to speak. so after a few post one guy was so sweet and understanding, he talked to me through e-mails all night, it got to the point where i was physically getting riled up, again i couldn't help it just like a raging inferno growing and growing, i didn't have any items so i told him id meet up just as me as fem as i can get shaved etc.. i really really don't know what i was thinking nor what i expected to happen, my mind was blank i was on auto pilot. he picks me up i feel soo incredibly weird,perverted,awkward,whorish u name it i felt it. I'm already a very shy person to begin with so i sat there in his truck hands in my lap scooted as far over as i could. he ended up and going to get a few items for me.(all of what u see in my profile are them) he then stopped at Walgreen's cause he wanted me to put on makeup, again i couldn't feel more awkward,then he ask me to change while he goes in and gets it....i stood corrected here i am in the Walgreen's parking lot that's 2min from my house right under a light and I'm changing into a dress and panties in some strangers truck. allot of things went through my head mainly where i went wrong in life to end up here....it seemed so wrong...at the time. he comes back makeup and some juicy couture. so i cant think of any place for us to go park other than the park literally right across the street from where i live, thankfully his white truck blended in with all the other white city trucks there. so here i sit in the truck in a dress and panties at the park with some stranger, now i know what he wants lol its obvious and i have always been nervous and shy and now i get to add all these other factors in, i couldn't do it i couldn't bring myself to blow him, surprisingly he was very understanding very patient he said we can take our time, meet up like this with no obligations, so all that ended up happening was he felt me up a lil grabbed my ass and chest, caressed me then took me home and dropped me off all still nice and understanding but i never saw/heard from him again, and as weird and uncomfortable as that was now that i look back and i have had more time to venture into the lifestyle, see other people and people who enjoy CD's and actually think I'm attractive has been so incredibly gratifying. I'm still not fully over being uncomfortable with it,will i live up to peoples expectations,do i look the part? and its just scary to think if my family found out again, what if my friends find out. i have a 8yr from my ex-gf when i was 16, so i cant fully embrace this lifestyle the way i want to some how i have to be a father and the man my needs but how do i do that when deep down all i want is to be a woman? will i ever get to be that woman... what would my say? i feel so trapped right now between my obligations and my shyness it seems that the world...the universe wants me to be a man when all i want is to be a soft,beautiful caressable woman. i don't know if i should give up, if living a lie would the right thing to do or take the risk of everyone i have ever know judge me,hate me,think of me differently.
and well i was hoping for maybe a little guidance, some people who have been there before, done it lived it and lived through it, i need help. i want this so very badly even to possibly change genders one day make it complete....but what would my family say? ugh
thank you for reading my life story |
||
|
Thing one: WELCOME Jessica! You definitely found the right place to visit. We'll help as much as we can and we'll be here for you to talk to and ask questions of.
Thing two:
Thing three:
Thing four:
I want you to think HARD on this next statement...we were taught by AVERAGE people. We were taught to believe certain things because these things were the average things to believe in the culture we grew up in!
Since we're NOT "average"...since we are not "ordinary" these teachings simply do not apply. It's up to us to decide our own values, our own morals and our own sense of balance. Everyone in our situation and circumstance will decide a little differently (sometimes a LOT differently) but we all must decide...and that decision is constantly evolving as we learn more and embrace our special characteristics.
If you read through a few of my posts here (I'm not sure if you can search by member or if you'll just need to click through a few and look for me) you'll find I'm a little more courageous than most. It's not that I'm anything special. I'm just too old to waste time with foolish games. I have a lot of living to do while I'm still young enough to do so. I'm direct (some would say blunt), but I'm honest, sincere and FAR too trusting.
For all that so-called bravery, I still cannot tell my co-workers, my friends, my parents or my two children about this...because I'm scared to death of what they will do and say and think!
I live two lives. One as Dana and the other as Durwood. I have two sets of friends. Very few of them overlap. You may well find you will have to do a similar "juggling act". It's really not that hard once you do TWO THINGS: 1) Stop worrying about being different and 2) ENJOY your female side. I really mean that.
Here is an example of an "ordinary" day for me...
Tomorrow I have to go in to work for half the day. I'll be Durwood. I need to go grocery shopping, buy some eye makeup remover, pick up a prescription and I have a regular group that I go out with "en femme" on Friday nights. When I get off work, I'll come home and transform myself into Dana...and do all the errands, shopping and PARTYING!
I'm not advising you to do what I do the way I do it. I'm simply illustrating that two lives can be led...and both can be successful.
You are not a pervert, an oddball or a freak. You're one of US...and WE ARE LEGION!!!
There's a group here in Houston called the "Houston Transgender Covergirls". I'm a very active member. I'd like to introduce you to my sisters. They are all wonderful people...and they've done more to "turn Dana loose" than anything I can think of.
Come meet us. Come as a guy...come as a girl. Whatever would make you comfortable. TRUST me...we won't care. This may help you feel a little less alone...because YOU AREN'T!
Also, and this is short notice, there's a social at the Houston Transgender Center tomorrow eveing at 7:00pm. I'll be there. So will many of my sisters. We'd love to see you. Come as you feel comfy...if you can.
Click on my picture to get to my profile. Read it. Look me over if you like. Send me an e-mail if you want some people near you who know your situation...and understand.
I love being female. I have come to PREFER it to being male. One day I'll do it full time.
Embrace your inner girl, hon. She's really just fine.
I'll be looking for that e-mail. Until then...
HUGS and kisses!{=} | ||
|
thank all you ever so much for those amazingly kind and encouraging words, i made this post then kinda ran and hid afraid to see what people may say even though this is a group specially for this. i actually found a CD that lives in my apartments, we have talked a little. me still being very nervous she has been amazingly patient with me lol the first time i went to meet her i walked straight passed scared to death and pretended i didnt know who she was, i was mortified and ungodly embarrassed. thankfully she knew i was scared and wasnt upset with me. but i did go over there and stay a few hours talking, it was nice to see we had alot in common and it made me feel alot better about my situation and not so alone in my feelings. but truth be told she is so in tune with being fem, so beautiful, living the lifestyle im kinda intimidated. she is 22, 2 years younger than me and already embraced this fully. im so jealous  i do believe i can juggle two lives, one as justin the other as jessica my problem being is im so used to being justin, so used to being afraid of being called gay etc.. my entire life i always worriy that's what people thought of me, i was worried about the way i dressed, the people i hung out with, the way i moved and acted so fucking worried what other people think, i dont know how to break that habit i want to so badly just not care, get the weight of the world off my shoulders so i can breath.jessica has been a part of me i have hidden away and felt ever so awkward about, i dont know how to be jessica. she has been a fantasy in the back of my mind but yet i have had no way to let her out and just be her...me...i dont know how to be the person i truely want to be and its the biggest mind fuck of all. i enjoy dressing up, i enjoy being feminine, i wish to the deepest part of my soul to just finally be free and be who i want to be but i cant get passed my own mental barriers, im so scared....i hate it so much. i would go as far to say that jessica doesnt exist yet, i have been justin.. a man in a dress and panties..... thats just awkward. i want to look in the mirror and be proud of what i see, not confused and mortified at the man staring back at me. for once i want to see a beautiful woman in the mirror smiling and happy.... |
|
